Hi My name is Jessica and I am a closet tranny, yes you guessed it I'm not a real girl oh well but I like the name Jessica so I went with it.
This Blog is as the title suggest it is about the life of a closet tranny from the source. Now my experiences are in any way like everyone else's and visa versa.
I grew up In a low income family with an older brother and sister I always liked girls from my earliest memories. I remember wanting a girl friend when I was five I actually had one, I felt awesome but scared to because my friends teased me for it.
I remember in head start we had a graduation ceremony and I had to wear this white graduation gown and my brother teased me so I hated it. At the age of seven I liked this girl and felt like a stud, I was one of the tuff kids ha-ha little did I know what life had in store for me.
In fifth grade one of my friends had an older brother who introduced me to masturbation, well kind of he jerked off and I watched not knowing what the $^%&* he was doing.
Shortly after that we where playing school on day and he suggested I pretend to be a girl. I thought that was awesome and did it he tried to mount me from behind on the bed but I insisted on turning over and facing him.
I don't know how I knew this was the right position but I did and I was wearing a towel to simulate a skirt well he tried for an hour but it wasn't happening so we had to stop this game because my brother was coming home soon, to bad for him because he was never going to get the chance again to penetrate me.
So begins the cross dressing at first it was finding towels and curtains and using them then while going fishing I came across clothing people threw away in the woods and than I began finding clothes people threw out with the trash, it was like this stuff was every where. If your wondering why I didn't just raid my sister closet it was because her room was off limits.
My first orgasm
I began experimenting with tucking so I took a sock and made a type of gaff with it and pulled every thing tight well all this messing around down their created sensations that where like nothing I ever experienced I began ejaculating and it was like a rush came over me and threw me. I became so ashamed of my actions and immediately cleaned up ripping everything off and I got so angry asking myself what was wrong with me?
Well that was My first purging!
Purging! "the paradox of cross dressing the aftermath of climax" when after you spend so much time anticipating the event the search for garments the inclusion of proper visual stimulation as in porn mags of men and woman copulating you spend all this time preparing shaving, putting on panties and nylons finding the perfect outfit, doing your hair or wig applying makeup darning your self with jewelry, you bust a nut and feel so much "what the fuck" that you rip everything off and throw it all away, you take a shower and sit in despair thinking of what you have just done.This act was to repeat it's self far into adult life until I stopped fighting it and found acceptance of it because for what ever the reason I was this way and their was nothing that was going to change it. If I had excepted it and sought guidance instead of hiding it I think I would have been better off.
At that time I knew nothing about masturbation even though I knew how to do it, I knew nothing about normal masturbation because I no longer considered myself normal, I was just doing what came natural for me everyone is different in what turns them on, even so called normal people have anal stimulation fantasy's.
I associated masturbation with homosexuality because no one told me other wise and well you look at what I was doing it wasn't normal for a boy. A day or two later the feeling came over me where I started day dreaming about cross dressing and I tried to put it off but couldn't it was like this bombardment of intrusive thoughts that wouldn't go away, crap what is wrong with me why can't I stop this?
I had found some playboy's and hustlers around this same time and I started fantasizing about being the woman in these mags, I would read the stories and imagined my self as the girl well that just reinforced every thing now I was becoming a full fledged tranny I couldn't look at a pic of woman in undies or dresses or any ting for that matter going to the mall with my sister was hell I wanted to try on clothes and at the same time resist this craziness. I began wishing I was a girl and that I should have been born one, yea the transsexual condition but I liked girls I didn't think of my self as gay but I wasn't normal either.
Masturbation and cross dressing became intertwined, I began having masturbation fantasies where I was a girl having sex with men I would Insert dildos inside me and begin fucking my self until I came.
I would strut around trying to do normal chores or go for a walk in the park where no on was because it was at night or I would just watch TV during the day after school.
Going to school was a pain I would wear girls under ware and some times body suites or lingerie avoiding gym class was most difficult, I got suspended one time because I refused to shower when I didn't even participate in the games they indited I take a shower with every one else. I think they just wanted to look at naked boys, well I didn't and I got into trouble for it, the way I see it better to get into trouble for not taking a shower than be found out.
Summer time was always difficult because I couldn't help shaving my legs so wearing shorts was out of the question. I tried my best to find a girl friend but that was a pathetic at best no mater how hard I tried no one I wanted to go with wanted anything to do with me and I wasn't a bad looking kid. I just didn't know how to act they always said they liked me as a friend. Now what kid going through puberty wants to hear that?
As I got older I would get dressed up and go for drive to find guys. I started surfing the INTERNET for info on getting a sex change found a ton of sits on the subject and was so impressed by the results that I started taking hormones getting laser and electrolysis to remove the beard about 75 % gone ye ha.
In less than a year I began growing breast finally started to look like a girl.
I am still in the closet for the most part I only pass when I get all done up I have to wear baggy shirts so you can't see my breast. Some day who knows if I get enough money I would like to go further but for now I'm just a tranny in the closet.
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